Big E Lounge Act

I tell ya, it’s hard to get respect around here, ya know? I mean take my home life (please take it!), I bought my a kid a bb-gun for Christmas, he bought me a shirt with a bulls-eye on back. No respect, I tell ya. My wife; she says “Honey I want to have sex in the backseat of the car.” She told me to drive.

What’s a stand-up commissioner to do?

 

I know: button up, batten down, and get ready for some football. With that said, Big Electric is going to take his lounge act on the road in preparation for NFL ’14. The following are bunch of quips, one-liners, and bad jokes that the commish has either blatantly plagiarized or contrived on his own.

 

Either way it’s something better than nothing. Now just let me know where the off-stage guy with the hook is. I may be begging for him to pull be early before the insults and beer bottles start flying……

 

NY Jets Coach Rex Ryan once said of linebacker Bart Scott: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his recent press conference and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

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Why do Broncos fans wear orange?

 

It’s standard apparel for chain-gang members and highway garbage-pickers that are out on work release programs.

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What did rookie DE Jadeveon Clowney get on his pre-draft Wonderlic test?

 

Drool.

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How many San Diego Chargers Players does it take to change a light bulb?

 

No need to. It’s useless as former player-turned-team-custodian, Shawne Merriman keeps crashing the locker room yelling “Lights Out! Lights Out!”

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How did the Green Bay Packer fan die from drinking milk?

 

The cow fell on him.

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Dallas owner, Jerry Jones and his son (Player Personnel Director) Stephen were walking in the woods.

 

The younger Jones said, "Hey Dad! Look, a dead bird."

 

Jerry looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

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An NFL player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death. 

 

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.

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What do you say to a New England Patriot tight end dressed in a three-piece suit? "

 

"Will the defendant please rise."

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If Pittsburgh running backs LaGarrette Blount and Leveon Bell are in the same car, who is driving?

 

The police officer.

 

What reggae song do the Steelers play in the locker room to get pumped up on game day?

 

“Smoke Two Joints”

What is the name of the formation when both Pittsburgh backs Blount & Bell line up outside the tight end?

 

Spliff backs

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How can you tell if a Tennessee Titans fan has a girlfriend?

 

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck and a homemade bra made out of an old pair of Jockeys in the Xtra cab.

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What do you get when you put 32 Jacksonville cheerleaders in one room?

 

A full set of teeth.

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Cleveland Coach Mike Pettite is only going to dress half of his players for the preseason game this week;

 

The other half will have to dress themselves.

Why can’t Browns rookie QB Johnny Manziel throw a tight spiral?

 

He keeps over-extending his middle finger.

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How are the Houston Texans like an opossum?

 

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

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Why did Eli Manning steal a NYPD cruiser?

 

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was his Porsche.

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How do you get a former Lions coach Jim Schwartz off your porch?

 

Pay him for the pizza.

 

Bada Bing! Bada Boom!

 

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